Let’s Talk About Sex: Lube Is Not The Problem

Let's Talk About LubeIt has taken me a while to understand that a lot of people outside of the sex-positive community don’t see lube as a good thing. It can actually be a very sensitive subject to some people and perhaps even taboo in some households. I think this is because there are lots of common misconceptions surrounding these sexual aids and not enough education. I didn’t learn much about lubrication in School and I was taught that it was not something people liked to talk about. It became a shameful, off-limits topic amongst people I knew and nobody came out to set the record straight.

I had to look into the rumours myself, which resulted in exposing a pack of lies and finally learning how to enjoy masturbation and sex. I reached the age of 18 before I realised that lube was a very easy way to avoid the sensation of rug burn inside my vagina and awful friction against my vulva. I didn’t think of it sooner as I was told that I should be producing enough naturally or my partner should focus more on “foreplay”. This is part of the misconception amongst folk that claim a sexual partner is responsible for turning you on and if you can’t get lubricated enough, then there must be something wrong with them, or you.

The use of lubricant in the bedroom has become associated with feeling broken, being lazy and having incompatible/selfish sexual partners. All of these things point to a lack of communication and the misinformation that is spread within culture and the media. I want you to read the next few sentences very carefully and repeat them to yourself as many times as it takes for the information to register in your head. “Using lube does not mean I am not broken. Using lube does not mean that my partner is broken. Using lube does not mean I am bad in bed. Using lube does not mean that my partner is bad in bed.”

Let's Talk About Lube

I’ve received several comments on this topic over the past few months, so I’ve compiled some responses to some of the most frequent comments/questions/responses below.

1. “Why doesn’t my partner get wet enough naturally?”

As you have used the term wet, I am taking that to mean your partner has a vulva. Vaginal dryness is very common and it can happen for numerous reasons. One of the most common culprits is medication. This could be antihistamines, asthma inhalers, antidepressants, birth control etc. If this person has a sudden change in the amount of natural lubrication that they produce after a medication change, it’s very possible that it’s the cause. Medication isn’t the only thing that can affect natural lubrication though, other causes include hormones, menstrual cycles, lack of warm up, age, dehydration and being a perfectly normal human who simply produces less than others. It very often has nothing to do with how aroused a person is. You don’t have to be wet to be aroused. If dryness is an issue for your partner/yourself, lube is your friend. It’s no big deal. Apply some and get going!

2. “My partner gets annoyed with me if I ask to use lubricant as he says I should be wet enough if I was really aroused by him”

I’m going to refer you to the last part of the answer above this question. Lubrication does not indicate how aroused a person is. Some produce more than others, some produce less, some produce enough sometimes, but not others. It’s just how the body works. We are all wired differently. If he does not understand this, please ask him to do some research. If he isn’t interested or willing to give it a try to make you more comfortable, then I believe the answer is finding a different partner who will actually respect your wishes, your body and want to make things as pain-free as possible for you.

3. “How do men feel about it? Don’t they expect a woman to be wet enough?”

I don’t think a man should expect anything from a woman. Nor do I think any partner should “expect” anything from the person they are sleeping with. I have come to realise that many people have unrealistic exceptions of how long it can take a vulva-owner to be ready for sex. Some can be ready to go in minutes, but others need a ton of build-up and even then, lube can be extremely beneficial. It seems that some people are impatient and expect sex to be like porn, where it just happens out of no-where, with seemingly no play beforehand. I would encourage anyone who thinks like this to do some research and become educated on the human body.

4.  “My partner and I tried lubricant but they said it gave them a burning sensation, is this normal?”

If it burned or itched during use, the chances are that you’re using a lubricant that doesn’t agree with you. Step one: Check the ingredients. Does it contain Parabens and/or Glycerin/Glycerine? If yes, chuck it out. I’m going to do a more in-depth post about ingredients at a later date, but for a quick overview, these are things you want to avoid. Glycerin in particular if you own a vulva and are sensitive/prone to UTI’s. If you’ve taken those things out of the equation and are still having problems, remove Propylene Glycol. Following that, check for things that you might be allergic to such as Aloe Vera. I would also advise a trip to the GP or clinic at this point to rule out the possibilities of an STI, UTI or latex allergy.

5. “We’ve used lube before and found it didn’t last long enough”

Water-based lubricants can dry out quickly, that’s a fact. A good thing to note is that they can be reactivated with just a spritz of water. I like to keep a spray bottle by the side of the bed to refresh so we don’t have to stop what we’re doing to reapply. There’s nothing wrong with stopping for a few seconds to top up though, if that’s the method you prefer. If that’s not ideal for you, then I would look at trying a hybrid or silicone based lubricant. Silicone lubricants can’t be used with most silicone sex toys as the materials can interact with each other (there’s more science behind this, but that’s for another post) and they can also interfere with pre-lubed condoms as many of them use the silicone type. If you want a slick, long-lasting glide during sex or water play, silicone is definitely the way to go. Just make sure to get some un-lubricated condoms first.

6. “What lubricants do you recommend?”

Anything by Sliquid, for water-based, I usually use the H20, Sassy or Satin. If I want silicone or hybrid, then I would go for Silver, Organics Silk or Silk. If I want something flavoured/enhancing then I’d opt for anything from the Swirls line (although Green Apple is the best), Sizzle or Organics Natural Sensation.

Another great brand is Pjur. Stay away from the relaxing products though. I like their Silicone Bodyglide Original, Silicone Bodyglide Woman and Woman Nude Sensitive which is water-based.

My Thoughts On Ask a Porn Stars Horror Set Stories

ASK A PORN STARI was going to write a review today, but I came across a series of videos that I wanted to talk about instead. I can’t remember exactly how I came across this series, I just ended up on the weird side of Youtube and found a video entitled ‘Ask A Porn Star: What was your grossest on set experience?’. I became intrigued, so I decided to watch said video.

I don’t know much about porn or the porn industry as I don’t watch it and never really have, obviously I’ve seen the odd video here and there, but it’s not something that I personally find appealing or seek out. I don’t need the visuals to get off, but for those who do, I think you’ll be surprised by some of the stories these adult performers talk about in this video. I almost turned the video off at the sight of one male performer who’s been in the headlines quite a bit and I don’t think I need to mention any names here but I’m glad I watched the rest of the video because it turned out to be eye-opening.

First of all, I have major respect for these performers after watching this. Some of the horrific things they have to go through to put on a show for the viewer, I could never do. If any of the things I’m about to mention ever happened to me, I’d call it a day and be absolutely mortified. I have to give them props for cleaning up and carrying on.  I love that they’re so open about what they do and embrace it, rather than be ashamed of it. It’s definitely not a job that’s easy to do, so I have some respect for the performers, even though porn isn’t and will probably never be my thing.

So, onto the topics mentioned in the video… There’s lots of shit stories. Literally.

I assumed accidents happened during anal scenes now and then, but apparently, it’s a very common/regular thing to happen on shoots. So many different examples are mentioned in this video, it’s actually quite shocking. I feel so sorry for everyone who’s ended up with it on their face, but again, major respect for carrying on, I would not feel up for sexiness after that. There are so many stories about people not understanding their bodies, so to me that just proves that this taboo subject needs to be talked about more, even amongst adult industry professionals.

The damn make-up sponges. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that. I have never heard of people putting a sponge inside their body to stop bleeding and I’m still not understanding how people can forget it’s there. Can you not feel it?

Thirdly, how reassuring is it to hear that even porn stars struggle with squirting? I think it’s very well assumed that every porn star or woman can, but it’s just not the case. We are all different and we can’t all orgasm in the same ways and that is ok. Judging by the stories in this video, you might never know if your favourite porn star can really squirt or if they’ve just had water pushed into them that they let out on cue. I hope that people out there who are putting pressure on themselves to squirt can take a minute to watch this video and understand that even some ‘professionals’ cannot do it, it’s not the be-all and end-all of orgasms. There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t do it.

*photo and video links can be found on woodrocket.com or the woodrocket youtube channel, which is the source of the content spoken of in this post. no copyright intended*