I’m starting a new blog series. This one is going to be all about our sexual limits, boundaries and the reasons behind them. I decided to start with my hardest limit, one that is firmly placed in my red zone, a place it will never move from. Most of my limits are within the orange realm, so are subject to change, but this one is not up for discussion.
When my partner and I first got together, I opened up to him about a sexual assault and rape that I experienced when I was younger. He was great about it. He was happy to take everything at my pace and sat with me through the many panic attacks that happened during our first sexual encounters. As a result of what I encountered, I find this a touchy subject and I completely understand others will too. It’s not something I was ever going to talk about here but I decided to write about this subject when I heard a podcast that the wonderful Kink Craft did discussing it.
I like to think of myself as an open-minded Person and a firm advocate of doing whatever you want as long as along parties involved are consenting. This excludes illegal acts of course. As a result, I wanted to understand this sort of play more in the hopes of getting some answers and being more accepting of it. So that’s exactly what I did. Through the research I’ve done over the past few months, i can now (sort of) understand the attraction to consensual non consent.
The feeling of having the control being taken away from you but knowing you have that safety net of being able to stop at the drop of a safe word. That is something I can relate to. My partner and I have explored elements of this within bondage. An adrenaline rush that comes through control play can be very exciting, but I draw the line at consensual non consent when it’s in the form of a roleplay rape. I feel like I would have said it’s not healthy for anyone to do this a few years ago, but now I think it’s fine as long as all the safety precautions are in place, such as safe words and signals, aftercare and trust.
I am still very much affected by my experiences and struggle to cope with it on a daily basis, even ten + years later. I still receive treatment and there are days where I can’t even consider being intimate with a partner, let alone actually following through with it. Sometimes I think I’m going to be fine but fall apart the second we get between the sheets. It can be tough, but this is exactly why I could never engage in rape play. I’m still dealing with the aftermath so something like this would do more harm than good.
What I found when I researched was interesting. The amount of survivors that use this type of play as a form of taking back control. I give these people huge props, because this is something I couldn’t do. Turning something traumatic like that, into a situation where you have all the power over the outcome, is actually very smart and important to recovery, regardless of how you choose to do it. I’m doing a similar sort of thing with this blog, I’m reclaiming my sexuality and learning that sex doesn’t have to be painful or harmful, it can actually be lots of fun.