Let’s Talk: Infertility

Before I get started on this post, I want to tell you that it’s ok not to read this if it’s a post that might upset you. I understand that infertility is not a soft subject and it can be difficult for many people, but I really need to put these feelings out there and vent about some of the comments I’ve been receiving.

So, I’ll guess I’ll start by saying that I am infertile. If you’ve seen my recent tweets, then you’ll already know this as I did post some of my frustration there. I have known this for three to four years now, although I knew it was a possibility for a year before that. The reason for my infertility is not something that I really speak about on my blog or in this community much, which is my eating disorder. I have anorexia and this has ceased my ovulation. I’ve had some fertility tests done in the last couple of years, and despite the possibility of recovery in the future, I was told that it’s not possible for my body to handle a pregnancy due to the other medical problems that I now have.

I feel it’s important to clarify that many womb-owning anorexia recoverers (is that a word?) can go to on to conceive if they are weight restored, have menstruation/ovulate and/or their body has had a period of time to heal. It can take longer for this to happen, but it’s still possible for many people. Whilst this is fantastic news for my friends who suffer, it’s not possible for everyone. I’m one of these people who it’s not possible for.

As I have known since the age of sixteen that it was likely, I have kind of made peace with it. I have accepted it, but it seems that others around me haven’t. I feel like this is lifes way of telling me that it’s just not in the cards for me and honestly, I’m ok with that. I now feel that it’s better if I can’t, because I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it if I bought a child into this world and passed some of my problems onto them. I don’t think it’s fair and I couldn’t bring someone into this world for them to just be miserable. Maybe I am saying things like this to make the news easier to deal with or maybe I actually feel this way, but regardless of whichever it is, I shouldn’t have to deal with the comments, especially from those that I care about, that I am fending off on a regular basis.

Here are just a few of the comments I have received from people, some of which include my family or those who know me offline and are aware of my situation:

  • “What will you do with your life now that can’t have kids?”
  • “Real women can have kids.”
  • “It’s your own fault, if you didn’t do this to yourself, you’d be able to have kids.” (this one is particularly upsetting to me – Anorexia is not something I “did” to myself. It’s something that the mental illness did to me.)
  • “Are you going to adopt? Foster? Get a surrogate? You do want children, right?”
  • “It’s your duty as a girlfriend/wife to give your partner a child.” (Are we still in the sixties?)
  • “Why is he with you if you can’t give him a family?”

I’ll start with the less offensive of these and work through them. The questions regarding wanting children and other methods of fertility. I know many people who can’t have children would love them, so I see why these questions are asked, but it’s the way that these people ask the questions. It’s like they are expecting me to say yes, simply because I’m a woman, and what sort of monster woman doesn’t want them? Well, me. If I can’t have them, then I won’t. I support others who do have children and that’s fantastic for them, but what’s right for them, isn’t right for me and I’m not going to bring a child into this world through some other measure just because society says that I should.

“It’s your duty/why is he with you?” Personally, I think these questions are extremely insensitive and rude. I am actually disgusted by these comments, but I don’t think people realise how hurtful these types of sentences can be. Family is not the be all and end all of a relationship. We can be a family without a child and as long as I satisfy him and he’s happy – why should you care whether a child is involved or not? We are now in 2016, so I really shouldn’t have to defend myself for not having children.

As for the I’ve brought it on my myself and other disgusting comments regarding my mental illness, I have lots to say about that and none of it is pleasant, so I’ll keep those thoughts to myself. Like you should. If you’re a person who’s ever said this to me, I hope you understand how inappropriate and disgusting these comments are. If I didn’t feel bad enough about myself already, I have people like this coming in and making things worse. It’s almost like if it was for any other reason, other than Anorexia, they’d shut up and say nothing. I think that’s what makes this so upsetting to me. If it wasn’t for a mental health reason, they’d just accept it.

Why should I be made to feel bad about not being able to have a child and not wanting to go through other methods to have one? Motherhood is not for everybody and it seems that it’s just not meant to be for me. I find it extremely rude that people suggest I’m less of a woman for not being able to have a child. I am actually a real woman, because I’m a woman. I have thoughts and feelings too and it seems to me that some people forget that and just look at me as though all I am is a womb.

It seems to be a very common thing for people to comment on others fertility and family size throughout a relationship. It starts with “so, when are you getting married?” and leads to “when are we having a grandchild?” – I really believe that people need to stop this. You don’t know the ins and outs of someones relationship, health and life, so you have no idea what these questions stir up in people. If my partner knew about this before our relationship started and he loves me regardless, then why can’t others just leave it alone?

Lovehoney Mystery Bundles 2016!

Mystery Bundles LovehoneyIt’s that time of year again where Lovehoney create Mystery Bundles filled to the brim with some of their best-selling items. This year everyone receives the same items in the bundles, unlike previous years where some bags have been better than others. Each bundle contains 6-10 items and is worth over £100, but costs just £40, which is a huge 60% saving! The choices are Male, Female, Couples, Kinky Couples, Bondage and Anal (which is cleverly and comically known as a Bumdle).

I decided to pick two up this year, although I was worried about the risks of getting repeat items with the larger collection that I have. I opted for the Kinky Couples and the Bondage, as I knew the others wouldn’t get much use. In total I received 17 items and I have decided to keep 11 of them, which is more than I was expecting and makes this a pretty good deal.

In the Kinky Couples Bundle I received:

  • Fifty Shades of Grey Sweet Torture Vibrating Nipple Clamps (£18.99) ♥︎
  • Lovehoney Booty Buddy Silicone Butt Plug Black (£9.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Beginners Soft Bondage Kit (2 Piece) (£12.99) ♥︎
  • Lovehoney Satin Drawstring Large Toy Bag Black (£2.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Intermediate Faux Leather Flogger (£14.99)
  • Lovehoney Dream Egg 10 Function Remote Control Love Egg (£24.99)
  • Lovehoney BASICS Vibrating Twin Cock Ring (£4.99) – Given to a friend
  • Lovehoney Reversible Double Stroker Extreme Ridges (£12.99)

I was unsure of what to expect with this bundle, although I was expecting a few kink items considering the title. Once it arrived, I noticed that there wasn’t much ‘kink’ to it, there was just a soft bondage kit, beginners nipple clamps and an intermediate flogger. I’d hoped for a pinwheel or something along this lines, but alas, there was not. The pieces that I am keeping totalled up to just over £40 (including postage) so I’m not overly upset that this bundle wasn’t particularly impressive.

In the Bondage Bundle I received:

  • Bondage Boutique Intermediate Faux Leather Mini Crop (£14.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Beginners Collar and Lead (£9.99)
  • Bondage Boutique Soft Cotton Black Shibari Rope 10 Metre (£9.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Intermediate Black Silicone Ball Gag (£12.99)
  • Bondage Boutique Bondage Candles (3 Pack) (£9.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Intermediate Faux Leather Flogger (£14.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Beginners Feather Tickler (£8.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Black Rose Pleasure Blindfold (£9.99) ♥︎
  • Bondage Boutique Black Rose Pleasure Handcuffs (£12.99) ♥︎

I absolutely love this bundle! I’m so happy with the items that I received and I can’t believe I only got one repeat item, which is the collar and lead set, and I only ordered that the week before! It is a mix of beginner and intermediate items and contains a couple of things I’ve been wanting to experiment with such as the rope and bondage candles. This is a fantastic set for those just getting started in bondage or wanting to move up from their silky restraints.

You can find all the Mystery Bundles over at Lovehoney for £40, but hurry, stock is strictly limited!

Limits – A Firm No to Rape Play

StopI’m starting a new blog series. This one is going to be all about our sexual limits, boundaries and the reasons behind them. I decided to start with my hardest limit, one that is firmly placed in my red zone, a place it will never move from. Most of my limits are within the orange realm, so are subject to change, but this one is not up for discussion.

When my partner and I first got together, I opened up to him about a sexual assault and rape that I experienced when I was younger. He was great about it. He was happy to take everything at my pace and sat with me through the many panic attacks that happened during our first sexual encounters. As a result of what I encountered, I find this a touchy subject and I completely understand others will too. It’s not something I was ever going to talk about here but I decided to write about this subject when I heard a podcast that the wonderful Kink Craft did discussing it.

I like to think of myself as an open-minded Person and a firm advocate of doing whatever you want as long as along parties involved are consenting. This excludes illegal acts of course. As a result, I wanted to understand this sort of play more in the hopes of getting some answers and being more accepting of it. So that’s exactly what I did. Through the research I’ve done over the past few months, i can now (sort of) understand the attraction to consensual non consent.

The feeling of having the control being taken away from you but knowing you have that safety net of being able to stop at the drop of a safe word. That is something I can relate to. My partner and I have explored elements of this within bondage. An adrenaline rush that comes through control play can be very exciting, but I draw the line at consensual non consent when it’s in the form of a roleplay rape. I feel like I would have said it’s not healthy for anyone to do this a few years ago, but now I think it’s fine as long as all the safety precautions are in place, such as safe words and signals, aftercare and trust.

I am still very much affected by my experiences and struggle to cope with it on a daily basis, even ten + years later. I still receive treatment and there are days where I can’t even consider being intimate with a partner, let alone actually following through with it. Sometimes I think I’m going to be fine but fall apart the second we get between the sheets. It can be tough, but this is exactly why I could never engage in rape play. I’m still dealing with the aftermath so something like this would do more harm than good.

What I found when I researched was interesting. The amount of survivors that use this type of play as a form of taking back control. I give these people huge props, because this is something I couldn’t do. Turning something traumatic like that, into a situation where you have all the power over the outcome, is actually very smart and important to recovery, regardless of how you choose to do it. I’m doing a similar sort of thing with this blog, I’m reclaiming my sexuality and learning that sex doesn’t have to be painful or harmful, it can actually be lots of fun.

My Thoughts On Ask a Porn Stars Horror Set Stories

ASK A PORN STARI was going to write a review today, but I came across a series of videos that I wanted to talk about instead. I can’t remember exactly how I came across this series, I just ended up on the weird side of Youtube and found a video entitled ‘Ask A Porn Star: What was your grossest on set experience?’. I became intrigued, so I decided to watch said video.

I don’t know much about porn or the porn industry as I don’t watch it and never really have, obviously I’ve seen the odd video here and there, but it’s not something that I personally find appealing or seek out. I don’t need the visuals to get off, but for those who do, I think you’ll be surprised by some of the stories these adult performers talk about in this video. I almost turned the video off at the sight of one male performer who’s been in the headlines quite a bit and I don’t think I need to mention any names here but I’m glad I watched the rest of the video because it turned out to be eye-opening.

First of all, I have major respect for these performers after watching this. Some of the horrific things they have to go through to put on a show for the viewer, I could never do. If any of the things I’m about to mention ever happened to me, I’d call it a day and be absolutely mortified. I have to give them props for cleaning up and carrying on.  I love that they’re so open about what they do and embrace it, rather than be ashamed of it. It’s definitely not a job that’s easy to do, so I have some respect for the performers, even though porn isn’t and will probably never be my thing.

So, onto the topics mentioned in the video… There’s lots of shit stories. Literally.

I assumed accidents happened during anal scenes now and then, but apparently, it’s a very common/regular thing to happen on shoots. So many different examples are mentioned in this video, it’s actually quite shocking. I feel so sorry for everyone who’s ended up with it on their face, but again, major respect for carrying on, I would not feel up for sexiness after that. There are so many stories about people not understanding their bodies, so to me that just proves that this taboo subject needs to be talked about more, even amongst adult industry professionals.

The damn make-up sponges. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that. I have never heard of people putting a sponge inside their body to stop bleeding and I’m still not understanding how people can forget it’s there. Can you not feel it?

Thirdly, how reassuring is it to hear that even porn stars struggle with squirting? I think it’s very well assumed that every porn star or woman can, but it’s just not the case. We are all different and we can’t all orgasm in the same ways and that is ok. Judging by the stories in this video, you might never know if your favourite porn star can really squirt or if they’ve just had water pushed into them that they let out on cue. I hope that people out there who are putting pressure on themselves to squirt can take a minute to watch this video and understand that even some ‘professionals’ cannot do it, it’s not the be-all and end-all of orgasms. There is nothing wrong with you if you can’t do it.

*photo and video links can be found on woodrocket.com or the woodrocket youtube channel, which is the source of the content spoken of in this post. no copyright intended*

My Worst Lube Experience ft Durex

If you go to my toybox page, you’ll notice I’ve tried five different lubes by Durex. I’ve given the brand a good go, but they just don’t do it for me. I don’t use condoms regularly, but when I do, I always opt for Durex, they are good at condoms, that’s definitely their niche, but the lubes could be better.

If I’m honest, until I started ordering sex toys and talking within the adult community, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a ‘bad‘ lubricant. I just assumed any lube was good, because you know, it was lube and it did the job. Looking back, I can’t believe how naive I was, but it’s not surprising considering lubricant isn’t spoken about much outside of the sexual twittersphere, blogs and forums. Sure I knew it existed and I used it, but it was a quick impulse buy from Amazon or the shelf of my local supermarket. I didn’t spend time deciding what to get, I just went for the well-known brand options in whatever flavour or kind looked alright.

I think I never took any notice because it had been regimented in my mind as a teen that using lubricant was something to be embarrassed about. It was something you only used if your partner couldn’t get you wet enough or you didn’t like performing oral sex without some extra flavour. It was never even mentioned to me that flavoured lube wasn’t just for aiding blowjobs. During my sex education lessons, we were made to feel as if using lubricant was a bad thing & if we needed to use it, then there must be something wrong with us. My sex education was clearly shit and non-existent. We were never told the purpose of lubricant or that using it was ok, why we might need to use it or what types we should use for specific activities.

Back to Durex, as you can probably gather from my previous paragraph, I never researched before using their lubricants. If I had, I probably would have just avoided them. I assumed in my innocence that they were the best brand because they were trusted and well known, being sold everywhere for convenience. My question is how many people are there out there who have no idea how many other choices there are? For me personally, there’s much better options out there. Durex lubes seem to hinder my sex life more than aid it.

Why don’t they work for me? Well, they irritate me and they make my partner itch too. I should mention we both have sensitive skin, me in particular, so that might be why they don’t work for us. There is one lubricant in particular though, that I had a really bad reaction to and it put me off using their lubricants. That lubricant was the Play Tingle. It set my vagina on fire and I found myself crying in a freezing cold shower scrubbing myself raw. This experience really changed the way I viewed lubricant and was the catalyst for learning more about them. We also had a really bad experience using the Passion Fruit lubricant during intercourse, which just so happened to be my ‘official’ first time. It said it was fine to use for sex, but I now realise the sugars in it had irritated me and thats what caused the burning that I had experienced.

Did I ever like their lubricants? I thought the Strawberry was the best tasting, it was still very artificial, but during the early stages of my relationship we did use this successfully for oral sex. I didn’t like the texture though. Another lubricant I didn’t mind at first was the Massage 2-in-1 Sensual one, I thought it was great in the beginning, until I discovered not all lubes are meant to be that sticky or dry out faster than you can thrust. We used it primarily for massage, but a month or so after my initial review, I realised there were specific massage oils that did the job much better. It wasn’t an awful lubricant, but we did have to shower straight after sex because it felt like we’d rolled in candy floss.

Would I recommend them? To someone like myself who has sensitive skin, isn’t keen on artificial flavours or wants to avoid Glycerin, no I wouldn’t. I do know plenty of people who do love their lubricants though, so it’s a try it and see for yourselves scenario. I gave the massage lubricant to my mother who actually does like to use it for massage, so it’s different strokes for different folks! If they ever change the formula, I’d give them another go, but I’d definitely be more cautious about it.